Lime, Salford

Lime? Limescale would be more appealing!

When one thinks of Salford, one doesn't think of glam nights out and gourmet paradise, but rough council estates and chip butties. However, Salford is trying to rid itself of its chav reputation with the creation of the Quays bar and restaurant complex, resembling Liverpool's Albert Dock or Edinburgh's Leith Shore. The Quays bring to mind the memorable quote from the film 'Clueless' when they describe a girl as being a 'Monet'- like the paintings, they look great from a distance but a big ugly mess close up. Salford Quays is such a place. A concrete jungle festooned with lights, glass tower blocks and more concrete, the Quays has all the culture of Luton town centre. Step inside the Quays and one finds such culinary lowlights like Cafe Rouge, Pizza Express and Harry Ramsdens. I was fortunate enough to eat at Lime, not a big chain but a polished turd nonetheless.

On first impressions, Lime looks a bit like a cool nightclub but as you enter its hallowed portal, it looks like Yates Wine Lodge with better lighting, cleaner tables and dearer prices. The meal was part of my work's Xmas celebrations and therefore had the Xmas 'special menu' with a price tag one needed an unsecured loan for. So pull up a chair at my dining table and I'll talk you through the courses.

To start, I had French Onion soup, a generous portion with beautiful velvety onions and a cheesy crust. Something was missing though... it wasn't served with any bread or butter! Minus points already, not a good start.

Veggies, now for the disappointing part. The only option was a Vegetarian Stack which looked like something off the Findus production line made by a Salfordian forced off the dole. Runny tomato puree, layers of peppers, a thin sliver of cheese and a morsel of courgette, this kiddies' portion wouldn't even fill Posh Spice. However, some 'sides' turned up- more courgette, burnt chips, tough sprouts and a microscopic morsel of parsnip. I was starving and felt as if I had turned up at a weight watchers convention.

Thank god for dessert. I ordered a wonderfully stodgy Xmas pud, the highlight of the meal. You can't go wrong with shop-bought from the cash and carry, can you?

So veggies, if you need any further persuasion, do not go to Lime. Better still, avoid Salford like the plague. The only decent grub I have ever ate here was in a packet, on a shelf and at Sainsbury's. Now, Mr Taxi Driver, Wilmslow Road tout suite